If you've asked me this, you've heard me say, "We're waiting. We've been on the waiting list since last June and don't expect much to happen yet. I'm not really gonna get stressed out about not hearing anything until Christmas."
LIES! ALL LIES!!!
Ok, so, I'm not intentionally lying to people. I think I'm just trying to not get my hopes up and convince myself I'm a patient person (if you've read my blog before, we've already discussed this false truth). Want to hear the real truth? This process is SO SLOW, I'M NOT PATIENT! I'm tired of paperwork. I feel like we are just spinning the wheels of bureaucracy. It feels like we are gonna be waiting forever. I'm watching others get referrals and I'm jealous. Yeah, I said it. I'm totally jealous and I feel awful for feeling that way. Horrible phrases and doubts like, "It's not fair," and "We've been waiting longer than them," and "Why not us?" and "Our parameters are the same," and "Should we have picked another country?" and "What's wrong with us?" are all seeping into my brain. Suddenly, I feel like a whiny toddler, stomping her feet because she isn't getting her way. Even with that not so cute image, I still struggle to stop those thoughts.
So, in an effort of trying to not feel so bad about myself, I try to disguise this mental temper-tantrum with Jesus-y reasons. You know, spiritual things, like wanting so badly to give a home to a homeless child, not wanting a child to go another day without a mommy or daddy, the desire to not wait to teach our adopted child about his/her Savior, Jesus Christ and demonstrate the Gospel through adoption.
While all these spiritual statements are THE reasons we are adopting, in the midst of my temper-tantrum and frustration I realize I'm more worried about myself and getting what I want when I want it. Then, I start the process of beating myself up for thinking that way.
People, we live in a vicious circle of sin. We recognize the sinfulness and selfishness of our hearts and then what do we do? Try to fix it ourselves by telling ourselves how horrible we are. How do we do this? We continue to focus on ourselves, just from another angle. There's a lot of problems with this current process if you didn't notice and it's not even from the original sin of being selfish. It's that we continue in the sin by trying to fix it and continue to focus on ourselves.
Today we were at the playground in our neighborhood and it's next to the power lines. The girls were riding their bikes alongside them and it struck me how the power line towers don't look so huge until my girls are tiny ant-sized people standing beside them. It's all about perspective. So, here's some perspective. Its is not about me. Why do I need to hear that so much? It's about a huge God, with plans that our little family was chosen to participate in. God operates in His time and in His way. He is perfect, therefore His ways and timing are perfect. God has our child waiting for us and I want that child, not just any child. I want the child God has intended for us, the same way He gave us Chloe and Violet. They were special, just for us. Sometimes I think, why didn't God allow us to have kids/adopt earlier? In addition to the many reasons, I think about the fact that if we had started earlier we may have never had Chloe and Violet. I want the specific child God has chosen for us, the same way they were chosen for us.
So, for those of you waiting out there... It's not easy. We all get impatient, selfish, self-centered, and jealous sometimes and we get off track. But, it's OK, God loves us and teaches us more about Himself and His perfect plan through this process.
And for those that ask how the adoption process is going you are probably gonna get a different answer from here on out. It's probably gonna be more like..."it's taking FOREVER!"
Comments