Pros and Cons of Adoption

"The Girls"
One of my personal goals for this blog is to create awareness and break down barriers for those considering adoption. That is why I am very public about our adoption process. I want adoption to feel tangible and possible. It’s not just for rich people, it’s for willing people. I want to open the door for questions and communication. I want to let other adoptive families know they are not alone and just answer some general questions.

I don't know about anyone else, but a good “pros and cons” list is how I make most decisions. Actually, lists in general are fairly crucial to my successful existence, hence the many list apps that I’ve gone through on my phone. (Wunderlist is my favorite. Let me know other good ones in the comments… Make me a list!) We just got home from a family vaca to Washington, D.C. If we hadn’t made a list of the places we really wanted to see in our short time there we would’ve missed out.

Therefore, in the spirit of list-making, here is a list of pros and cons of adopting a child. It's not exhaustive by any stretch. Keep in mind, I am looking at it from the perspective of someone who is in the process of adopting, I have not completed an adoption. I have two biological daughters, AKA “the girls.” Finally, remember, “pros and cons” can be different for each family. These are specific to our family, but hopefully, they will get you thinking.

Pros:

Better the life of a child.
Give a child a home and a family. This is not just a room under the stairs (Any Harry Potter fans out there? It’s movie reference day!!). This is accepting a child and giving them the same rights and love as any biological children. This is something we are attempting to prepare our children for.

Extend love to a child in need. Who’s gonna debate the value of that? “Bueller...Bueller…” Nobody.

Provide a child with necessary education, medical and psychological care.

Personal Growth in you and your family.
Grow your family numerically. Whether you are unable to have biological children or simply choose to expand your family this way, it’s an obvious “pro”

Teach biological children to be sacrificial. Obviously, not the only way to do this but, it's pretty hands on.

Teach biological children compassion. Once again, there are other ways to accomplish this, but this is up-close and personal.

Ditch my inward-focused family life. Before you get your panties in a wad, I'm not saying all people who do not adopt or do not have children are self-centered and horrible people. I am saying God has challenged my thinking about my life, my family and what “family” means even more through this path. I thought having the girls helped me in getting rid of my self-centeredness, but apparently I had more to get rid of… That’s fun.

Respond to God’s call.
Live out the Gospel. If God wasn't willing to adopt us into His family we would have no hope for eternal life. If you are a Christ-follower you'll get this one.

Be obedient to God's call to adopt. His instructions are specific about this topic. In a perfect world everyone should adopt a child, but also in a perfect world there would be no children in need of adoption. Everyone is not called to adopt a child, but it is each Christ-follower's responsibility to participate in orphan care in some way. So, maybe your response to God’s call looks a little different. I’ll have a post about that next time!

Make a dent. There are 140 million orphans out there. It’s time for us to step up!

Cons:

It's expensive. International, domestic or foster care, it doesn't matter. The first two are going to cost you about as much as a small island! Not really, but it kind of feels like that. It’s no secret that adoption is expensive financially, but what about the emotional cost? All adoptions are costly emotionally. This is not something I fully comprehend yet, I just know it will most likely be true. I do not have a child in my home yet and my guess is the type of emotional cost in each adoptive family is different. It is just something I am attempting to prepare myself for and be aware of. There is not much else I can do.

It’s hard.
Physical and emotional trauma. First, trauma to your biological children and family. Adding a new child regardless of whether he or she is biological, adoptive or foster is traumatic. Parents out there know it's hard on your firstborn when you have a second child. They were the center of your world and now they have to share. So, adding a new child when there are existing children is hard. But, adopted kids also have emotional baggage. Bringing emotionally traumatized children into your family is going to be hard, really hard. Things may surface after you have them home. Again, this is where preparation and a strong support system come into play.

Inaccurate medical reports or no medical history. For better or worse, you can only make decisions on what you know and are given. Tap into your risk-taker side, if you have one. If you don't, hang in there.

Some questions never get answered. How old was I when I first walked? Do I look like my mom or dad? What did I look like as a baby? Or things you as the parent want to know like, was my child sexually or physically abused? This is not just difficult on you, but on your adoptive child. Lacking answers to some of these questions will be difficult on you and them. They will most likely grieve because they are missing some of their own history and you will grieve with them.

It’s annoying. One word… Paperwork. Yeah, this side of adoption takes a lot of time and is tedious and super frustrating. Let’s not even talking about the waiting side of adoption. Whether it’s waiting for your referral or waiting to get paperwork back or waiting for your immigration appointment (my current small struggle), it’s not fun.

It’a personally challenging.
Timing is out of your control. All of us control freaks out there love predictability and knowing what and when things will happen. Let me say from experience, adoption will send that out the window. So get ready to be challenged--in a good way.

You will be jealous. It sounds horrible, but after a while whether it’s full-on jealousy or just a twinge, it’s there. It’s hard watching other people begin and complete their adoptions, pregnancies and foster assignments in the time you have just sat waiting. It’s not right and I feel bad admitting it, but second to having no control over this process, this is my biggest struggle. Personally, I have watched at least five friends complete their adoptions from start to finish and multiple friends complete pregnancies during the time I have waited. I’m happy for them, but I am jealous of them. This process has highlighted a side of myself I don’t like. It’s not fun seeing your weaknesses, and the adoption process brings them out. This is also a good thing. How else can you work on something if you don’t see it?

You're unable to predict the outcome. Back to lack of predictability--things can and will change and who knows when and to what. All you can do is be open to the possibilities.

It will change your family dynamics. You are adding a whole new human or two or three, with a personality, opinions and needs. You aren't just doing them a favor one time, you are giving them a life composed of many moments, experiences and love!

Adoption changes your family's life for the rest of EVERYONE's life. Yes, it changes your adoptive child's life, but it changes your life and it changes your bio children's lives. This affects you financially and emotionally. This child is not just a "plus one" or two. This is something to prepare your biological children for as well. If you are a Christ-follower this is the perfect opportunity to explain God's love for us as adoptive children.

The decision to adopt is so much bigger than a “pros and cons” list. Some of the pros are cons and some of the cons turn out to be pros. Ultimately, it doesn’t matter if your “cons” outweigh your “pros” significantly. If God calls you to adopt--you do it.

It sounds easy. It’s not, but it’s so worth it.

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