If you have adopted or are adopting or plan to adopt, you may or may not identify with these stages of the waiting process prior to a referral. These are by no means technical, official, or legit--they are too legit to quit...hey, hey... These are simply what I have experienced through this process. It is possible I am the ONLY one to struggle through the waiting process, but I doubt it. For those new to the game, here is some fun to look forward to and maybe if you know what’s coming you can learn from me, skip the annoying phases and get to the good one.
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| Hi, Joey Joe! |
Stage 1, OCD Researcher of All Things Adoption. This is the fun stage. You are a hunter and gatherer. You hunt for information about adoption. You find people that have already adopted and ask questions. You talk to agencies, read books, you gather knowledge and learn as much as you can to make the best possible decision for your next steps. It’s exciting, but it’s a little like my celebrity crush on Joe McIntyre of New Kids On The Block when I was in middle school. While my knowledge of Joey Joe was exhaustive, it's not like we were hanging out. I talked about him like I knew him personally. In my mind, we were on a first name basis. I read all about him in Teen Beat and Bop. I had his picture on my door at home. I knew where he grew up. I knew his favorite food. I had a cut out from a magazine that has his picture, birthday, height, weight and hometown on it. I even have letters I wrote to him. My Joey Joe doll still sits on the top of my fridge to this day and has in every house we have lived in. You think I’m kidding… It’s a fun connection to my teen years, a great conversation starter and now it's a tradition. Anyway, a crush is fun, but much to my dismay as a 13 year old it’s not a real relationship. It’s a part of the process, but you aren’t exactly moving forward yet.
Stage 2, The Adoption DTR. If you had an real live boyfriend in middle or high school and not just a celebrity crush like me, you might know what this is. “Defining the relationship” is exactly what you have to do in adoption at some point. You aren’t just “talking” anymore or “hanging out” with the idea of adoption, you are making a commitment to a plan of action. Whether that action is to commit to an agency, identify a specific country to adopt from or pursue a specific child you found on a waiting list. It’s time to fish or cut bait.
Stage 3, Excited Savior of the World Complex. Once you make a commitment, everything feels real and it’s an intense emotional rush. I really did not think I was the savior of the world, that’s a slight exaggeration, but was I ever on fire. I had known for years we would eventually adopt. I couldn’t believe it was finally time to start. I was ready to go get my child and something minor like paperwork was hardly going to stand in my way. In fact, I was ready to adopt 20 children. I could not imagine what would stand in the way of EVERYONE adopting. I was a fundraising queen and the ideas flowed. Let me take a sec to thank all my sweet friends who probably thought I was a little off my rocker. They listened to me and supported all our fundraisers during this phase. I have great friends.
Stage 4, Control Freak/Manipulator of Paperwork/Crazy Person that could not Leave their Phone for Five Minutes. So that title is kind of long, but this was a long phase and sometimes I go back there. Once the newness and excitement of this process wears off you are left with paperwork and waiting--it’s a hard place. Time tends to stand still and in some ways it kind of feels like your life is on pause. Fortunately, after three years of this I’ve got a slightly better grip on my brain. This was and is a difficult season. I truly tried to make the phone ring. I realize that doesn’t make sense, but it’s true. If the phone out of my sight for a brief second I had to find it and check it immediately. I was constantly on edge. My brain was never fully focused on my current life. I was off in “what if” land and couldn’t see much further than that. I thought if I got my paperwork in fast, things would speed up. I caught myself in this pattern the past couple of days with my NBC approval. I kept thinking, if only I can get it in before the weekend… Friends, God is going to do what He is going to do when HE decides it’s time to do it. This process is constant reminder I am not in control. I know this fact, but if learning to let go of control was on a test, I would fail--every time. I think I’m just getting better at not being angry about it. In this situation the best you can do is live in the moments you have been given, because those are certain and you don’t want to miss them.
Stage 5, Dreamer/Alternate Reality Land. Let me just say, this was not the fun land it sounds like. It sounds like the place unicorns exist, where you can eat all the icing you want and not gain a pound, where you can sit on pink clouds of cotton candy and slide down a rainbow into a pile of soft fragrant flowers that billow around you when you land. No, this place was not that cool. This land was more like that uncomfortable dream where you watch yourself do something but it’s not really you or it’s some hybrid of you. Where you think something is happening to you but it’s really happening to someone else. It’s hard to even really put into proper words that express what I was feeling. It was a frustrating land that led to disappointment when the phone never rang, I didn’t have paperwork to update and I just sat there feeling like we were pretending to adopt rather than actually adopting. I felt like I was in a dream, disconnected from reality. I know, it makes NO sense whatsoever. Bleh, I’d rather have the unicorns, they are my fav.
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| This picture was definitely taken prior to stage 6! |
Stage 6, Pity Party Central. I have some awesome skills and one of those is party planning. Therefore my pity party was on point, complete with a great theme. I love theme parties. This party’s theme was “This adoption is never going to happen.” I even had a costume, wear anything OTHER than my Bulgaria shirt. I couldn’t bring myself to put it on, even though it’s the softest shirt I own. It stayed shoved down in the bottom of my drawer where I couldn’t see it. I had trouble being happy for other friends who were moving forward in their adoption. I remained absent from the Facebook group of people adopting from Bulgaria because I just didn’t want to hear about anyone else moving forward. I was selfish, self-centered and angry. I thought other points were the low point, but this one was the lowest. Fortunately, once you hit the bottom you only have one way you can go--up!
Stage 7, Peaceful Anticipation Land. You heard me right, it’s possible. It’s true you have to kind of hit the bottom of the barrel to get to this point and I did. After months of serious frustration, paranoia that I had done something wrong to slow things down, worrying about our special needs form and if we should’ve been open to more possibilities, impatience with the general process, straight up questioning God’s plan, throw in a touch of crazy and three plus years later here I am, peacefully awaiting a phone call. I’m not even super impatient, just “normal” impatient (there are definite levels of impatience). I’m not really sure why we have to go through the entire emotional roller coaster during this process. Maybe it’s especially designed for us hardheaded types. I mean it’s way too easy to go straight to the peaceful point when we could explore all the other unfortunate ways to handle this experience first.
This is where I listen to the wisdom of those who have gone before me and know better than I do. Another adoptive mommy told me the other day, the craziness of the process prepared her to not get frustrated so easily and calm down a little as a parent. It taught her a new level of patience she was going to need in dealing with her adoptive child. Thank God for the researching season when I met this lady. Each stage has shown me new insights into myself, good and bad. Each phase has taught me new levels of trusting in a Heavenly Father than loves the children that we desire to adopt (HIS children) more than we ever could.
Here I am, peacefully and semi patiently waiting...
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