Are you still adopting?
Yes and I am fully aware it’s taking a long time--trust me. |
| Do dress to impress the future children. |
You could’ve had a baby by now.
Yep, the time that has lapsed since the beginning of this process is the equivalent of four pregnancies.
It seems like a lot of work, stress and money. Is it really worth it?
If you are a parent, look into your child’s eyes and you tell me, were they worth it?
It’s not like there aren’t kids in America that need adopting. It would be cheaper and probably take less time. Also, I am aware of this, but America is not where these particular children of mine are so I am going to go where God told me to go and do what He told me to do.
Are you really going to be able to love a child that isn’t really yours. Yes, because this child IS ours as far as we are concerned. If you are a believer, this is a Gospel-centered question and here is your Gospel-centered answer. God adopted us into His family. We are not second-class because of that. We are loved just as deeply. He planned for us. He sacrificed greatly for us. He waited for us. He chose us. He paid a price for us. Any of this sound familiar to adoption?
Well-meaning questions and statements can really sting sometimes. I’ve heard some of the above questions/statements, but not all. However, I have adoptive friends that have heard most of these and more.
Most people’s comments come with a combination of sincerity, curiosity and just a lack of understanding of the adoption process and the emotions that go with it. Most people are not out to hurt or offend anyone. I am fully aware of this and truly believe as adoptive families we should cut the general public some slack. They weren’t called to this process, we were. Therefore, we have a better understanding of what other adoptive or waiting families are dealing with.
BUT, in an effort to help out the general public here are…
Do’s and Don’ts of Adoption Talk
Do ask questions about how the adoption is progressing. It is encouraging to know others are waiting with us, curious and interested. We are feeling all of those things exponentially. Waiting is discouraging and lonely. It’s helpful to know we are not alone.
Don’t feel the need to point out how incredibly long and terrible the wait is. It’s just not helpful. We are aware. Anybody have a friend that constantly asks if you’re tired? I don’t care if my bags are down to my knees, my eyes are bloodshot, my pjs are still on and I have serious bedhead. No one wants to be ask if they are tired, much less follow that question with the statement “because, you look tired.” Why do people still ask this question or make this statement? I just don’t get it.
Don’t assume we are comfortable with the wait and we’ve just gotten used to it. I guarantee you we are still on edge and watching our phone like a hawk. You know when you’re a new mom and you tell how old your child is by months. You stop doing that at about two years old and kind of lose track of how many months it’s been. Nobody says their kid is 38 months old. If you still do, you should stop. That being said, our adoption is 38 months old. We haven’t gotten comfortable enough to lose track of the months. Not only that, most adoptive parents can split their time up into how many months it took to do our homestudy (4 months), submit our dossier (additional 4 months) and then how many months we’ve been on the waiting list (28 months). In fact, we probably have all those dates memorized. I’m aware those months don’t add up, but factor in two months of initial paperwork and waiting for finalizations of documents--it all adds up. All that to say, we are keenly aware of the time frame.
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| Don't stop living life and forget to have fun. |
Do ask how you can pray for us. We need prayer. We need to know people are thinking about us and praying for us, our children, the process, the money, all of it. Waiting is very frustrating and discouraging. We get discouraged, we have bad attitudes, and we get impatient. We need all the prayer we can get.
Do ask about the specifics of our process, how it works and what we can expect. I never get tired of talking about this. It’s kind of therapeutic and helps me feel like things are real and not so far off.
Don’t tell us where you think we should’ve adopted from. Most adoptive parents want to save the world, but they can’t. So, pointing out all the children between here and China or wherever they are adopting from isn’t really helpful. They are adopting a child that needs a family and a home from the place they feel led to, period. Location shouldn’t matter. If you are truly that passionate about where you believe we should adopt from, maybe you need to adopt.
Do ask why we selected the type of adoption or country we chose. I love sharing this story. I love explaining how God led us to the perfect country, by way of a winding perfectly imperfect road.
Do ask how you can help, that is if you want to help. Most adoptive families need financial assistance or have some fundraiser going on. ALL adoptive families have a hard time asking for help, especially financial help.
Don’t tell us of all the worst case scenarios you have heard about adoption. We aren’t living in a dreamland of fairy tales and rainbows, we know the possibilities. We did a lot of research about adoption before we started the process. Bulgaria is a part of the Hague Convention. They require we complete 10 hours of approved adoption classes before we can proceed with submitting our dossier. That doesn’t include talks with our agency, personal research we have done and additional reading we do to understand the process. Your standard human has a baby and walks out of the hospital the next day or so, no one requires them to take classes and tests on all the potential problems their child may have or develop. I’d say we are as prepared as we can be.
Do be sensitive to people’s feelings. I am a talker and an open book. There is very little you can’t ask me. Some families are more private. When in doubt, ask how you can be most supportive so you can be supportive in the way that best helps your friends in this process.
Do encourage us. Adoptions are on the decline. The process has become more complicated and has a lot of red tape. It’s just not easy. Sometimes we get conflicting info on what is the best way to proceed and it’s super confusing. We have to update paperwork constantly and it’s typically time sensitive. We have a lot of things happening that are stressful and discouraging. Most people don’t understand what we are experiencing and it’s kind of lonely sometimes. Be that ray of hope we need to keep moving along.
I hope this is helpful. Thank you so so much to all of you that are so supportive of our adoption and other’s adoptions! We truly lean on you all as a source of support and encouragement!
As of now, we are still waiting...
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