Problem #1 I feel helpless and I am. I can’t make our adoption agency call me with a referral. I can't make Bulgaria's system move any faster to match us with a child or children. None of this is up to me. I am not in control. I am not a fan of that fact. If you've read my blog you've heard this before.
Problem #2 I feel broken and I am. God is stripping away my ideas of timing, my ways of doing things and my ideas of what is best away from me. It’s not a fun process to let go. Letting go of my ideas, letting go of myself. He is leaving me with Himself, His ways, and His timing. I am truly grateful He does this for me, if it were up to me I would stick to my subpar ideas. I am relying on a human system to do what's best rather than in a living God that loves me and our future children. Regardless of the knowledge that God knows better, I still focus on the system rather than God.
Problem #3 I’m crying randomly. I cried in Hobby Lobby reading all the inspirational wall art in the kids' decorating section and literally could not get myself together. It apparently was not inspiring enough. If I read one more thing saying “for this child we have prayed” or “for I know the plans I have for you” before we get a referral I might just scream--consider yourself warned. I'll appreciate that one day, just not right now. I cried in the car when my cousin talked about the brokenness of the foster system. I almost started crying at the preschool the other morning. If someone had ask how I was, I would’ve for sure. I’m over random crying. I don’t even have good control of my emotions, so that’s fun. I cried at church Sunday and I cried today. If I am going to see you just go ahead and bring some Kleenex.I am at the end of me. I have nothing else I can do, plan, create, manipulate, organize or to make this adoption happen any sooner. I have no control. I have felt completely out of control only a few times in my life, but I remember each moment clearly.
The first time was when I was in college. I suffered a major car accident. I emailed my parents to get these pictures. I tell this story often because God did such huge things but, I hadn't seen the pictures in years and it brought me to tears (shocking). I forgot how terrible it was. How God truly preserved my life. My best cousin, Amy, was with me. I have always been thankful I am the one that was injured since I was the driver, but Amy had to watch and wonder if I would live or die. I should’ve died from the wreck. I should've died from my injuries. Then they said I wouldn’t walk again. My parents wisely kept the fact I was in critical condition out of my knowledge. I only remember hearing I would never walk again. It seemed ridiculous and impossible, I was only 18. I remember thinking, “this isn’t really happening to me.” I was in so much pain through the nights and hearing God’s Word read to me was the only thing that comforted me. It wasn’t because I was super Jesus-y and read my Bible all the time either. It’s because God’s Word is living and gives hope to the hopeless. I needed hope. I was broken, physically and emotionally. I was helpless.The second time I felt this way was well into our ministry career. After years of student ministry, God had called us to be missionaries. Missionaries we had been working with for several years ask us to come serve with them permanently in Brasil. We had a heart for the country and were ready to go. We told our pastor we were resigning and began the process to move to Brasil. God closed that door hard and in our face. I remember walking away feeling so confused and lost. We called our pastor to tell him what happened and he was silent. None of us understood, no one knew what to say. The path had been so clear and now it wasn’t. God had a different idea for us and he used the idea of going to Brasil to get us where He wanted us. We were broken again and helpless. God doesn't always show you the big picture of why things happen when we want to see them.
About 6-7 years ago was the last time I felt this way. It was shortly after the housing crisis. We were in the middle of a difficult time financially, emotionally and in ministry. Difficult ministry situations had resulted in Kevin stepping back from full-time ministry for a season that we believed to be permanent. We loved Jesus, but in our mind ministry life was over. That was hard, it was all we had ever known. Life was an all time low for us, aside from the bright spot of having my Baby Violet. Everything that could go wrong was going wrong, minus health issues. I remember how hard it was. We lacked any clarity. No path seemed like the right path. We were helpless, broken and angry. We had no control and what we tried to control fell apart. It was amazing how God healed us after that season in so many different ways. He brought resolutions and blessings, they just took time.
Here we are again. I am still wrestling with the same thing. Control. Me versus God. My ideas versus His. Timing. I can’t get this right and I probably never will.
One thing is certain, after each of these seasons God brought clarity. God always comes through in His timing. Thank goodness He continues to heal us of our brokenness. He uses our helplessness to bring us closer to Him. He reveals His perfect plan using imperfect situations and imperfect people. Sometimes we just have to get out of our own way to see it.
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