We are waiting for you...

Ta-Da!

Every night after saying good night I walk out of my daughters' room and every night I glance in the room across from their room. I think about our child(ren) that will eventually be in it and my mind starts racing.

Will it be a boy or a girl?
Will there be one child or two?
How old will they be?
What will they look like?
What will it be like for them to be alone in a house of strangers?
What noises will frighten them?
Will they struggle with attachment?
How will they respond to us?
How will it feel to be unable to understand the language, in an unfamiliar house, with unfamiliar people, with different smells, taken away from the only people you've known?
How will the girls respond?
Will they struggle with sharing our attention?
Will they feel left out?

Obviously, I can't walk past or in that room without a flood of thoughts, questions or emotions.

The other night I decided to buy a decoration for the room. I'm not sure why, I guess just to encourage myself. I needed to remind myself this season isn't going to last forever. Somebody WILL eventually be in there.

So, I bought little hearts for Valentine's Day to hang on the two doors, one for the girls and one for the new kid(s). Sooo, that's it, that's the excitement. Impressive, I know...but, simply looking at that tiny decoration just makes me feel better when I walk by the room.

Aside from the very exciting heart on the door, the room is a little sad looking. That bookshelf is the main thing going on in that room. Otherwise, there's some doll furniture, clothes the girls out grown recently in a stack and some plastic. The room has the same wall decor from the child that lived in it before us. I don't see the point of doing anything until we have an idea of what's happening. It's the only room in the house that isn't set up yet. But, it's ready to be transformed when the time comes.

When I walk past the room to the stairs I look down the hall at the upstairs guest room. I think about us potentially moving into that room to be closer to the new child as they adjust. Or wait, maybe we should stay downstairs and have them sleep in our room? Will they sleep in our bed with us? What if there is more than one? Will they need a little bed beside our bed? What if they don't sleep? I have no idea, do we stay upstairs or downstairs? Our bed, their bed? Near the girls, away from the girls? What is best? Will we do this wrong? Will I screw the kid up somehow? Is this going to break our family? I have so many questions.

It reminds me a lot of when I was preparing for having Chloe and Violet, except we had a much clearer time frame than we have now. I knew the gender, I knew how many babies were in there and I knew a ballpark time of when they would make their debut. We still asked many of the same questions. We worried about many of the same things, although there are new additional concerns with an adopted child.

Is this going to break our family? That question begs an answer. I believe this will break us in many ways. Adoption and the process that leads to adoption is traumatic for everyone involved, you can't ignore that. It's no ones fault. It's just hard and the effects are long-lasting. But, God makes beautiful creations out of our broken pieces. Having children breaks us as parents regardless of whether they are adopted, biological, healthy or have special needs. God uses them to show us our selfishness, our self-centered attitudes and humble us.

Honestly, It doesn't matter if you are an adoptive mommy or biological mommy, the worries are so similar.

You want what is best for your child.
You are so afraid you are going to mess up, but so ready to get started all at the same time.
You love someone you've never met so deeply and are so impatient for that person to come even though you know it will change your life and challenge you in ways you never dreamed.
You anticipate the exciting times and put the potential bad times out of your mind because who wants to think about that yet? At the same time, you try to be prepared for anything.

A few things I need to remember...

I am going to be a good mommy to my adoptive children.
I am already a good mommy.
I am going to make mistakes--it's ok.
It's impossible to be prepared for everything.
God loves my children more than I ever could.
God is in control.

As a control freak, it is really hard to accept those last four, but I'll get there.

In the meantime, I rely on the fact that Jesus says in my weakness HE is strong. He will give me what I need, when I need it. He already does on a daily basis.

Ok kiddo(s), let's get this party started.
We are waiting for you.