In January we were called about a little boy. Not an official referral, but a child who had been turned down by another family. This happens often in adoption. Matches are not always perfect and sometimes families feel they cannot handle the child’s special needs, they have personal reasons that affect the timing or it just isn’t a great fit. When our agency called us and we looked at him, he fit our parameters pretty closely. We have been called about a child before, but for the first time it seemed like a good match and we said, “Yes.” We along with other families applied to the Bulgarian government for the opportunity to be this little boy’s new family. Until they made a decision we were taken off the waiting list.
I would be lying if I didn’t say my hopes were up. I knew we weren’t the only family applying. He was a cute little boy. In our original paperwork, we had not specified gender, but we had always thought it would be fun to have a boy. Yes, we were hoping we could adopt two children at one time, but we also knew we could still adopt later if we adopted one child and planned to do so.
In order to prepare to bring this child home, we had to fill out a transition plan for this little boy’s adoption that explored every possibility of what we might encounter when the child came home based on his needs, his age and our family. We had other paperwork that was needed to complete the process. We had to consult with an international adoption pediatrician and have them review his file. We watched his videos and his pictures were/are on my phone. We had regular educational phone calls with our agency to discuss different things that may come up. It felt so real.
In the back of my mind I reminded myself there were many other families doing the same thing and feeling the same way. At the same time, I thought, “Maybe this is the end of our road.” This was going to happen.
After waiting since January, we got a call telling us we should hear that week whether or not we were the family the MOJ had selected. I was pumped, I had looked at flights, evaluated the best time to travel while hopefully still being in Wilmington for the girls’ dance recital. I even had thought about how we would reveal the big news. Then, we got another call saying the MOJ had decided to gather more info on the child’s medical status and he was no longer available for adoption. In one day we went from thinking we would find out if we were the kid’s family to hearing he wasn’t available anymore.
What a difference a day makes.
I was fine. I got an answer. It wasn’t what I expected but it just meant that wasn’t God’s plan. We were back on the waiting list and I was excited to know someone had actually looked at our dossier recently. Thirty minutes after the call, I was sitting in Chick-fil-A talking to my girls about what they see our family looking like after we adopt and as they answered a deep sense of loss overcame my heart. I couldn’t stop the tears. I don’t even know if I was crying over that specific little boy, lost time on the waiting list, the fact this process is taking years, realizing I’m four years older than when we started the adoption or simply because this is an emotional and difficult process.
The past three years on the waiting list has seemed more like standing in line for hours waiting to ride a big roller coaster, when in reality we are already on the roller coaster we just don’t know it. It’s a rough ride like those old wooden coasters that shake you the whole time and the minute you think you settle in there is a curve that jerks you--hard, a loop that scares you or a huge hill that puts your stomach in your throat. The difference is a roller coaster is about 2 minutes of craziness and unexpected turns that is entertaining and fun. Four years of it feels a little differently.
Adoption is not for wussies. It’s hard. It’s hard for everyone involved--the birth parents, the kids, the siblings that remain with the birth parents, the birth grandparents, the orphanage workers, the foster parents, the neighbors and us. You take your heart out and hand it over to a government to hang onto until they match you with your children or if you are on the other side hope and pray they match your child or foster child with a good family. In the meantime, you try to hang onto hope and not get too beat up along the way. In some ways, I’m just ready for something--anything--to happen.
God has our child or children out there waiting for us. We are certainly waiting for them. God has this under control and more than anything I want His plan in His time because it is best. In the meantime, I will be intentional with time with my girls. I will be present in our conversations and time together, not distracted and mentally far away. As a sweet adoptive mommy reminded me, I will enjoy our time as a family of four, because changes will be coming. While waiting for an adoption is hard, adding a traumatized child to our family will bring even more challenges.
Our silver lining from this week is that our agency said the MOJ was impressed with our openness to special needs which alleviated some uncertainties I had about that document, so that was encouraging. I had second-guessed every “no” I had checked regarding the special needs we feel we can handle. Fortunately, the MOJ just saw our paperwork right before they go into their regularly scheduled meeting where they match children and families. We will hopefully be fresh on their minds.
Please pray with us as we continue on this journey. Pray for our hearts. Pray for our future child and their preparation. Pray for our girls. We never told them about this little boy, but they continue to ask and pray for the child or children God will bring into our family.
We are waiting.
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