I Know the Secret to a Successful Marriage

Man, tell those two crazy kiddos what their life would look like over the next 20 years and they would've thought you were crazy. Twenty living arrangements, six different states, two crazy little girls, one little boy waiting for us, life-changing ministry opportunities, three serious attempts to move internationally and amazing life-long friendships developed all in 20 years. What was God thinking? I've given up on that, I just know there is very little I would change and I'm pretty sure He's not done with us yet!

I've learned one or twenty things in the years we've been married. So, in honor of our 20th anniversary I thought I'd share. These are by no means exhaustive, but I'll hit the 20 high points.

Just kidding, I'm not really going to make a list of 20 things, although I'm sure I could. I've learned way more that than 20 things.

I do know the secret to a successful marriage. Are you ready? There are two steps. I stole them from someone.

Love God. Love others (in this case--your husband).

Nope, it's not flashy. Yes, you've heard it before. It's in that thing called the Bible, Jesus said it. He's probably OK with me using it as long as I give Him credit. Are you successful at those two commands? I'm not, at least not 100% of the time.

Love God.

If you and your spouse are both pursing Christ whole-heartedly, your marriage will succeed. In a day and time where people take marriage lightly, this doesn't seem realistic, but it is. Growing and pursuing a deeper relationship with Christ will help you realize where you need to grow, be challenged and ultimately become more like Jesus. If you BOTH are doing this, that is a recipe for a successful marriage.

That sounds like the easy part, but it's not. It's challenging. It requires introspection and yielding yourself to God. Love is active, not a one-time or passive thing, whether you are loving God or loving your spouse.

I've learned some hard things loving and pursuing God.

I am selfish. Nice, just what we all want to learn about ourselves, right? Well learn it now people. The sooner you realize your default is to what you want, the sooner you recognize how to be more giving and loving.

I'm not perfect... Wait, what? Kev is going to love this one. I'm pretty sure he already knew it though. I try really really hard to be. It's hard to accept that I am flawed. I make mistakes. We all do, but how we recover from them reveals whether or not we are pursuing God and growing through that process.

Difficult things happen. Life is not easy and being a decent Jesus-loving person doesn't exempt you from hard situations. Thank goodness for a loving God and a partner-in-crime when the hard times come. Sometimes the hard times involve something that happens between you and your partner-in-crime, that is when both individuals pursing a relationship with Christ at the same time as loving each other is so critical. It allows you to overcome those hard times and show what God can truly do with a marriage that seeks to glorify Him.

Loving God and pursuing a perfect God shines a light on all our imperfections. That doesn't sound fun and sometimes it's not, but it shows us how we can be more like Him. A shift I have noticed in culture is a move from self-help books to accept yourself as you are books. While I truly believe we need to accept ourselves and love ourselves, the minute we accept ourselves and we don't see a need to ever change anything about ourselves we are in trouble. We tell ourselves we are perfect and we elevate ourselves above God and His best for us. We elevate ourselves above our spouse and sacrificially loving someone the way God loves us. That's when we begin a downward spiral, as will your relationship with your spouse.

Side note to those in ministry: We have been in ministry our entire marriage, even before, while dating. Ministry life is messy. There is always someone with a problem and it's not as simple as a dog dying. It's hard. People call at all hours and ask more from you than you can give. It's easy to elevate your job or ministry above your relationship. This doesn't only affect men. Women in ministry, we do this too. I have. I have spent years POURING my heart and soul into students and other ministries. The quantity of time, mental and emotional focus was just unhealthy. The people I served didn't always demand that of me, but I loved what I was doing and God was at work, so how could it be wrong? I learned to have balance and sometimes God has forced me to have balance. Remember, just because God has called you to a ministry or place does not mean it should come before your spouse. Having kids is not a good solution to slow you down either. I'm glad God slowed us down prior to having children. We were able to kick off our child-filled years at a much healthier place in our marriage, ministry career and as individuals. We wasted several of those "just us" years of our marriage prior to having kids not taking time to be together one-on-one, not listening to wise counsel of people older than us telling us to slow down and simply just being workaholics. Please learn from us. Don't do that. God chooses to use us, but He doesn't NEED us to accomplish His tasks. So, take some pressure off yourself and let God show Himself in huge ways.

Love others.

Ok, so this is an instruction God gives us and it's not limited to our spouses, but it does challenge us to put other people first. If we simply applied that concept to our marriages it would be life-changing.

Putting your spouse first is not natural. I think we all can agree on this one. Because it's not natural, we have to consciously decide to do this or it will not happen. We will default to being selfish. See my first point.

It's the little stuff. Those little things build the foundation of your marriage. Considering his needs before my own. Being willing to set aside things I want to have or do for him. It doesn't mean he will always ask me to do that, but it's important to be willing to do that. This is a two-way street. At the same time, he is doing the same for me. If we are truly attempting to serve each other in love it's harder to get off track in marriage.

So maybe, my husband's "system" for storing "not clean but not dirty" clothes is not going to kill me. I know I think it will, but it's not. We all have to give and take. Sometimes I'm good at this and lots of times I'm not. I'm sure there are plenty of things that bug my husband about me, but i just can't think of one right now. :)

Love is a daily choice. It's not "ooshy gooshy" feelings, squishy hearts, butterflies, rainbows, shooting stars and Princess Leia buns all the time. You've to work for that, but at the same time you don't fall out of love either. You choose to love your spouse. You choose to put them first. This is not a one-time choice you make on your wedding day--you continue to make that choice to love and serve your spouse every single day.

Love and marriage are work. It's rewarding, fulfilling and it's a huge way we can show others the relationship God desires to have with us. A relationship characterized by self-sacrifice, love and commitment.

So to my sweet one-of-a-kind husband, Happy 20th Anniversary. I love you! I'm so thankful God chose us for each other. I love our sweet children and the ones to come. I'm thankful for the hard lessons because they made us stronger. I can now say I am grateful for the winding crazy path He has always had us on, because it deepened and challenged our faith and trust in Him. I'm thankful for the sacrificial way you love me every day.