This is Adoption.

This is adoption. A family accepting a child that is not theirs biologically, but loving him just as if he were. A gorgeous photo shoot in Bulgaria with pictures taken by a sweet missionary couple. A family with the child they have pursued passionately for years, willing to do what it takes to give this loved child a family and a home. Sweet memories of picking up the child and spending time with him in is homeland. A beautiful example of God’s love and adoption of us.

This is adoption. That precious child, banging the back of his head on the hardwood floor when he don’t get what he wants. Our son screaming constantly, yet perfectly behaved in certain settings that draw him attention. Hitting and smacking every person in our family, trying to bite the girls and rejecting immediate family members who are just trying to show love. This was my entire morning, most of yesterday evening and probably my tomorrow. I have two biological children, plenty of friends with difficult kids and have worked with many kiddos this age. What we are experiencing is not your typical “terrible twos” temper tantrum. I have never seen depraved humanity more clearly than in this process. He is a child who is incapable of doing what is right on his own. This is how God sees and saves us from ourselves.

“This isn’t what I expected,” Chloe said while trying to smile through it.

Chloe’s words stung. I hurt for her and how badly she and Violet want to show Bozi they love him. He won’t let them. He full out screams when they get near him and smacks at them, if not worse. He doesn’t know how to accept their love and he doesn’t know Chloe and Violet aren’t competition for me and having his basic needs met. 

Bozi is in survival mode and Bulgaria was a honeymoon. He was happy, he wasn’t too far removed from his usual life, he was hearing Bulgarian everywhere we went, and he was just living it up.

I hate to tell people the fact that every time we enter a new room in our house, he clings to me, screams, and cries. Usually, by the 3rd time he’s OK. When I try to sit down he screams. I hate to say that I’m not sure when we can do a lot of socializing because I truly don’t know what to expect and I don’t think he can handle tons of people. I hate telling people I can’t do much of anything in my home for more than about two minutes apart from a child who is scared, doesn’t know how to trust others and at the same time is trying to push us away. Adoptive friends had shared it would go downhill before it went uphill. Think infant behavior in a body that has the physical capabilities of an 18 month-2-year old.

There’s a reason I have maybe 3 pictures on my phone from the past two days. There has been nothing happy to take a picture of except for a few minutes with our neighbors and time with a friend who got some groceries for me. 

I can’t imagine what Bozi is feeling. He’s terrified. He doesn’t know what to expect. The smells are different. The food is different. Kevin isn’t around like he was before, the girls are off playing and not contained in a smaller space where we were all interacting together all the time. He isn’t ready to explore in our home like he did in the apartment in Bulgaria. He’s not comfortable.

I responded to Chloe’s comment with the only thing I knew to say. This is why adoption is important. This is part of the sacrifice we all make to give him a home, help him feel loved, help him learn how to be a functioning part of our family, hopefully to realize he doesn’t have to compete to live, a child and eventually an adult who knows they are valued and treasured, not only by us but by a loving God.

Chloe followed with the usual, “Good thing he’s cute.” Sadly, that is becoming very true.

These things will come in time. We will continue to research, seek out friends who have gone before us, rely on our agency and continue to love that little boy who captures not only our hearts, but anyone who happens to see his picture. 

While adoption is beautiful, the reality isn’t easy. So for now, this is our reality and I honestly pray this season of crazy is short-lived. I pray he connects to Kev, which will probably be a very slow process, probably because he had no male interaction, much less a father. I pray he allows the girls to love him. I pray he allows me to be more than his caregiver who he has to fight for and he allows me to be his mommy. We will not give up on our son, or any other adoptive child God places in our family because He never gave up on us.

This is why nothing has changed in our conversation about adopting more children. This is why we will always encourage others toward adoption. God’s love in us is far greater than any behavioral issue or season of difficulty. The outcome far outweighs the difficulty of the process.

If you want info about how to have your family’s adoption photos taken in Sofia, Bulgaria, click here.

The cuteness in the storm… He REALLY loves those red shoes and picks them up to wear or carry every day. He also picked out an orange shirt today and when I went back to his closet, he grabbed again at another orange shirt. I’m pretty sure he has some favorite colors.

Last thing I promise! I know I have some amazingly generous friends, so I'm letting you all know of some needs in Wilmington. There is a way for anyone to participate no matter your locations. I am collecting donations for the Cajun Navy.

Needs:
Desitin
Baby Formula
Baby Food
Baby Meds
Daily volunteers!

I also have friends who lost everything in the hurricane so I am collecting gift cards. Gift cards from Lowes, Home Depot, Target, Walmart, Marshalls, TJ Maxx. You name it! Any amount is helpful. I will also be setting up a GoFundMe for one of my friends so please look for that. You can also send money to my Paypal account or Venmo!

If you are in the Knoxville area, my parents are coming soon to assist with Disaster Relief needs. Please give your donations to them and they can bring them with them!! Please text or message me so I can talk with you about getting these donations to me or my parents. Also, if you are out of the Wilmington or Knoxville area, the mail is running as of Sunday so shipping stuff is an option as well. All of this stuff is on Amazon. I'm kind of stuck at the house so this is what I can do! Please consider giving. Post below or message me with questions!