Parenting and Adoption

Trip to the aquarium. He was worn out!
We take one step forward and two steps back. Bozi is learning “thank you” and “no, thank you.” He’s learning to say “please” to request something. He tells people “bye” and “see you later.” It’s so cute to watch him catch onto these little phrases.

Most recently he said an ENTIRE four-word sentence. My mom asked him if he was cold and he responded, “No, I not cold.” That’s huge in regards to his understanding and language acquisition.

Bozi is learning to say “Sorry!” That is important for a lot of reasons. I am hoping he is gaining the meaning or at least that it needs to happen when he hurts someone. It’s super sweet until you lean in for the follow-up hug AKA “ug” and he hauls off and smacks you in the face yet again and smiles. Love those orphanage behaviors.

After Bozi got home and settled he started screaming and hitting a lot. Kev’s first response was “There’s no way he got away with this in the orphanage.” Then we remembered how kids even in the mall in Bulgaria screamed a lot and no one really said anything. We also remembered that in our Skype calls, Bozi often hit the sweet lady that Skyped with us from the orphanage and she would throw her head back and laugh about it. Maybe parenting is different there, or maybe they cut him slack because he was an orphan, or maybe they just didn’t want us to see them discipline him, who knows. I do know #1) he’s not an orphan anymore and #2) I can’t handle getting smacked in the face all the time.
Daddy love!

Parenting is hard. The same thing doesn’t work for every child. People have opinions, strong ones and they share them. I am not a newbie. I was a parent prior to Bozi. We have two bio girls, so it’s not like we haven’t done this before, but at the same time parenting an adoptive child is different. I worry about our parenting style and if it’s appropriate for him. That concern brings with it a lot of self-doubt.

I am coming to terms with some things about myself and Bozilicious.

I am so scared I am going mess up and screw up my kid. I’ve talked about this before. Who doesn’t suffer from this disease? I think we’ve all been there. We worry “Did we take it too far with discipline? Did we take it far enough to make an impact? Did we miss an opportunity to help our kid learn a lesson by ignoring a behavior because we just didn’t want to deal with it for once? Should they have taken piano instead of dance?” We put so much pressure on ourselves to be perfect when everything we are doing screams how much we love our kids. Discipline is loving. Boundaries show love. Saying “I’m sorry” when we mess up as parents teaches our kids that we aren’t perfect and also shows them we love them. If we didn’t love them, we wouldn’t be so concerned about doing things right. So parents, cut yourself some slack, do your best and keep moving forward.

I treat my child like a fragile flower. Other than the fact he is a little wobbly when he walks and you could knock him down, there is nothing fragile about Bozi. He fights for his toys and yells “stop” or “dop” (ha) when the girls play with them. He lies and manipulates better than either of my girls. The other day he hit Chloe and had to say sorry and hug her, and when they hugged he clutched his eye and screamed “Owww, owww.” Chlo never touched his eye. He’s just trying to get her in trouble to distract me from him being in trouble. He’s got the best pitiful face and can work up some serious tears in 0.5 seconds. He works both angles. If Daddy says “no” to something, he runs to Mommy and tells on Daddy and asks Mommy. He throws things. He hits us. He hits himself when he is mad. I forget this kid is straight outta the orphanage. He fought for attention in an orphanage. He did what it took to get his needs halfway met, he learned how to feed himself by using a spoon and drinking out of an open cup better than a three-year-old before he turned two. He is strong. He’s a fighter. He’s a survivor. He is not a tiny flower. He has some things to learn, but he isn’t as easily broken as I worry he is. Let’s give our kids some credit and not neuter them. If I baby that “ooshy gooshy squishy cute-faced” Bozi he will never learn the consequences of his actions. I’d rather him learn it now than in “juvie."

Everyone has input on parenting. Evvvveryone. People without kids have input on parenting. Daycare workers without kids have input on parenting. My 10-year-old loves to share her insight on my parenting (insert major eye roll here). Side note: I hate to say this, but if you aren’t a parent yet, I don’t want your input on parenting my newly-adopted child and no, knowing another two-year-old doesn’t qualify you. Just love me, tell me you are sorry it’s hard and to keep up the good work or don’t say anything. I know you mean well, but it’s just super irritating. That’s just real talk. I’m trying to teach this to my 10-year-old as we speak. She is full of great ideas. My family has ideas on parenting. The lady at Jason’s Deli staring at me while I correct my child as he is throwing food has opinions on my parenting. That guy at Walmart watching me try to high tail it out of there when Bozi decides to scream his head off and not listen probably has hearing problems now… and opinions on my parenting. Being a parent is hard enough. When you are also worried if people think you are too harsh or too easy on your kids or if you should’ve handled something differently you stop parenting the way you know should and it’s not their fault. You are just distracting yourself from the issue at hand…Your kid.

So here's what you do...

Do your research. Seek wise counsel. Consult others in similar situations. I have many adoptive friends. I am a member of four different groups on facebook of adoptive parents from Bulgaria and one from Colombia. They provide a wealth of experience, knowledge and wisdom that I can access at any time. They understand my struggles and are quick to respond with suggestions and advice. I agree with some of it, ignore other parts of it and use what is best suited for our family.

Don’t let fear freeze you from parenting. Trust your instincts and proactively parent that child. Ignore the evil looks you get from people in the stores. Disregard the commentary you hear on what they would do if they were your kid's parent. God chose you to parent your child. It’s your job, sooo...

Do your job. It’s not anyone else’s job to teach my kiddo how to thrive as a child, teenager or adult. They aren’t going to just learn good manners and proper behavior from children’s books. They won’t learn to how to treat others and set healthy boundaries unless I demonstrate that and teach them. And no kid is going to be able to humble themselves when they are wrong to say “I’m sorry” if parents don’t teach them to do so and model it for them, that’s another soap box. In a nutshell, don’t be afraid to BE the parent.

God gave me my little people and right now my main job is to help them grow into Christ-like, loving, compassionate big people who actually contribute to society. I will do my best to do that job. I am probably going to screw up some, have major off days, say I’m sorry one billion times and make plenty of mistakes, but My Chlo, Baby V and Boziboo will survive and probably turn out pretty OK.

Bozi therapy update: Obviously, we are working on some behavioral issues, but it is a work in progress. Bozi most recently learned to drink out of a straw thanks to his little friend Brady, which is HUGE and just makes my life less messy and easier. He is being seen for occupational therapy where we primarily work on chewing and fine motor skills. He sees a physical therapist to help continue develop his core muscles, strengthen his muscles in his legs, become a more stable walker, learn to jump and run. Most recently in physical therapy we learned he will need little orthotics for his ankles. We have an appointment with the Hanger Clinic for him to be fitted. This will help correct the alignment of his ankle bones with his legs. This will likely mean he progresses quicker with proper muscle development in his legs and the ability to walk better, run and jump. We will consider speech if he seems to need it, but for right now we are slowly adding new therapies as to not over-whelm him.

We are receiving his therapies through the CDSA the North Carolina Infant-Toddler Program. It is a state-based program based on the child's developmental needs. Every state has a program like this as far as I know. The fees for therapies are on a sliding scale based on our income. Going through this program means there are some hoops to jump through, but it is 100% worth it to receive the therapies at a cheaper rate, especially if your child needs multiple therapies. Adoption is not cheap and neither are multiple weekly therapy appointments. So, if you are adopting or just have a child with developmental issues look into your state-based program. They are amazing and so helpful. He is getting ready to age out at three-years-old and we will move into the school-aged program which will look a little bit different depending on his needs. His evaluation for that program is coming up next month. They will continue his therapies if he qualifies and have a preschool program specialized for children with developmental needs to help prepare them for school. The range of services that he receives will depend on his progress and development. Thank you for your continued prayers.



Comments

Golda said…
Love and prayers still coming your way and I think you are amazing!!! I love you lots!!
Golda Edwards
Unknown said…
Well said. Keep posting. You are going to make it I had a friend who adopted 2 Amerasian children. She went thru some of what you are and had support from other adoptive parents who had adopted Korean children. That was forty years ago. Problems have not changed. Many times the "less than perfect" kids come to America. At least now early intervention services are available. Praying for All of you. Love..Peggy
Good job Christian Daughter, Wife, Mommy, Sister/Cousin, Aunt (Joseph misses you), Friend, and "Bloggist"! I guess that about covers it. LuvU, Momma.
Anonymous said…
Parenting IS hard. IN EVERY STAGE. I do not know about parenting from an adoption perspective, or even about parenting girls, but I do know that it is hard. And I do relate to not appreciating parenting advice from childcare workers who DONT EVEN HAVE KIDS, lol. I appreciate your honesty and your openly sharing this journey. I want you to know that I have been praying for you and will continue to do so. I love that you said that you are raising the kids God gave to YOU. So true. I was given some bad (though well-meaning) advice recently on one of my kids... It made me angry at first, but then I realized that he is MINE and God gave me the awesome responsibility to navigate his behavior/learning. Who is better equipped for it than me??? Thank you, Jesus, for this job. Some days it seems so difficult...but in that moment I needed the reminder that I was the right person for it.
Dave H said…
Just wanted to reach out and thank you. My wife and I are adopting our son from Bulgaria also (in fact the same orphanage. Given their ages, Bozi and our son may have known each other in the orphanage.) We have met Plamena and that pink tile featured in one of your photos on Day 8 looks awfully familiar. :) I found your blog shortly before our Trip 1 in early December. Our US agency had given us little idea of what to expect, and I was uncomfortable with it being a complete unknown. Reading your blog gave us a great deal of comfort with what to expect. And it gives us an idea of what's to come. We know every child is unique, but it's so much better to hear the experiences of someone who has gone before us. We try to keep up with all your new posts, and read them out loud to discuss how we are going to handle some of the challenges. Again, thank you guys so much.
em said…
Oh my goodness! I would love to connect with you about your Bulgarian son! Finding someone Bozi may have known would be amazing. I met a couple of his little friends. I'm curious if your little boy is one of them. Please respond if you get this!! :) I'm so thankful this blog has been helpful to you as well! That is my goal!!