The Kid Regime

She's cute and she knows it!

From the moment you begin planning for that first precious child your life changes. You start downloading all the apps, doing the research, reading books and blogs, looking at the clothes and checking out the toys, there's planning, LOTS of planning. Then the moment comes, that sweet angel enters your world. You are exposed to a new way to love, a new way of life, a new set of rules and a new regime. You become acutely aware of something...you are no longer in charge.

It doesn't matter if you have planned for children or surprised by children, whether you adopted children or gave birth to children. Regardless of how you acquire the tiny dictators--they take over your life.

I'm not talking about hot topics like letting your child run your life, losing your identity, helicopter parenting, finding your complete fulfillment in your children or living vicariously through them.

I'm talking about the truth...what happens to a normal, emotionally secure and stable human--a working mom or dad, stay-at-home mom or dad, two-parent, single parent, grandparent, it doesn't matter, no one is safe.

Let me ask you parents a few questions. Do you find yourself doing things you never thought you would do? Like, letting a child wail through Target or Walmart as you patiently shop, enduring the glances of those obviously perfect parents who's kids don't talk above a whisper. How about saying things you said you would never say? You heard me...those words, the ones you vowed to to never say to your children, "Because I said so!?" *Gasp*

One day you are driving by trash bag laden yards, just to realize they are those dumb holiday blow ups. Who comes up with this stuff? The next day your yard has similar trash bag looking things laying in them and it's because you bought them in a moment of weakness due to endless requests and a tiny voice saying "pleeeeeaaaase." Or maybe you find yourself running down the stairs one morning with a half-naked child when you hear the garbage truck. No, it's not because I forgot to take the trash out, but so Bozi can watch the garbage men work. He loves watching them and they "beep, beep" and wave at him from their big awesome truck. They are too nice, I'm going to need to get them something for Christmas.

Like any good military operation, the kiddos start with a sneak attack.

If you have been pregnant you know what I mean. I'm talking about that tiny baby bump that's so cute and everyone freaks out over. Then, that bump blows up to the size of a VW bug. Before it's said and done you feel like an elephant tromping through a sea of ants. In the case of adoption, its that moment when you fill out your application or start your homestudy or send off your dossier. The joy you have actually doing that paperwork is inexplainable. It's so exciting, but what's not so exciting is the flood of endless documents that do not stop until at least two years at AFTER you bring that child home. Oh, and don't forget those documents have to be notarized, authenticated and apostilled EACH time, then scanned, emailed, copied and mailed (in the case of international adoption and post-adoption reports). I filled out some of the same documents for our Bulgarian adoption multiple times a year, a couple of times within the same month because the country changed the paperwork. After four years, I was slightly over it.

The next stage of attack is emotional and physical warfare. They weaken your will to fight. They start by rationing your food, whether it's littles wanting to nurse 24/7, eating sooo slowly you only have time to eat their leftovers, your preschooler surprising you by eating over half of your poke bowl ("sooo good, mommy") or teens ravaging the fridge and pantry with no container left untouched or emptied. They work the cuteness angle endlessly and successfully. They beg, nag, repeat the same question expecting different answers five seconds after the first twelve times they asked. They multiply like mogwai and find strength in numbers. It's exhausting.

Parenting is not just a little hiccup in your schedule, it's paradigm shift that brings a complete lifestyle change. And, it is not optional.

Then you "Prepare for total domination," just like the cheer in Bring it On, one of my favorite movies. There is gymnastics, soccer, boy and girlfriends, dance, homework, music class, trips to urgent care, clubs, storytime, playdates, sleepovers, school concerts, parent-teacher conferences, swim team, swim lessons, 4H club, boy scouts, girl scouts, cub scouts, lizards, NOISE,  friendship problems, important stories about their day, park dates, doctors appointments, rock collections, dentist appointments, birthday parties, after school meetings and general cuddling. If you aren't careful, they can easily take over your house with their stuffed animals, socks and legos that just grow and ooze like the blob into every crevice and corner of your house. Plus, they can occupy every aspect of your day emotionally, physically, mentally and as chauffeur.

But, as parents, you do acquire some pretty sweet skills to use in battle. You learn the art of manipulation, carpool, sneak attacks, leading them without their knowledge, eavesdropping, negotiating, stalking, sales, changing the topic, appreciating the little things, coming up with new and entertaining answers to the same question, chauffeuring, seeing humor in most things, counseling, investigative skills and kitchen dance parties that start like a flash mob. Even for the more low key stay-close-to-home families that avoid lots of running around, kiddos simply require mental energy, emotional energy, and physical energy. Parenting is a marathon full of sprints. I've never ran a marathon, but I'm pretty sure that's not how they usually work.

Other than the trash bag/blow-up issue and the future boy and girlfriends thing...I welcome all of this.

My children have introduced me to some of the most amazing people. They have forced me to learn discipline, because there as NO way I'd make it through our schedule each week with out having learned that. They have shown a large spotlight on my weak areas and I've seen where I needed to grow. They have been the source of the sweetest snuggles and deepest love that no furbaby (sorry, dog moms) could come close to replacing. They rely on me with a helpless dependence that is only comforting when coming from my children. They have given me a tiny glimpse of the depth of love God has for His children and me. I have seen the gospel lived out in our adoption and grasped a better understanding of what it means to for God to adopt us into His family. They have taken me on the wildest ride I could have ever experienced.

But beware, they are your heart walking around outside of your body. Their pain is your pain, their joy is your joy and their tears are your tears.

Your life has been invaded, your world now has a dictator, or two, or three, or more and your life will never be the same.

It's been the best dictator invasion I could ever have asked for.