We get asked often how the girls have adjusted to Bozi becoming a part of our family. I have written snippets here and there in this blog about their adjustment process, but I thought who better to answer those questions than the girls themselves!
I wrote down questions I had and collected questions from people I know from the Bulgaria Adoptions community on Facebook who are in the process of adopting and have biological children. The interview questions are at the bottom of this post. I tried to break the interview up with little goofy outtakes from our video fun to keep kiddos that you may have watching engaged. The video is just under 15 minutes long.
I did let the girls read through the questions ahead of time and we talked through them. I did NOT feed them lines or give them answers. So, this video is their heart exposed to you guys about their experience. These girls have a heart for children who need families.
Additionally, this story is OUR story. No adoption is alike, the age of your children changes things, the situation they came from, the trauma they may have endured, the family they come into, special needs that they have--all of these factors affect the process. For us, at this still early stage in the game, things have gotten easier, but it may not stay that way. You never know what can change or when and if the effects of trauma will surface. Appreciate the season you are in, hardships can move your family toward healing. At this point, even our girls have forgotten the depth of the difficulties at first--the nights they spent crying, getting repeatedly hit by a raging two-year-old, watching him hurt himself and how little time I spent with them those first few months. They remember parts of it and it being "hard," but the intensity of it is not conveyed in this video.
If you haven't figured it out already, we are basically an open book. We don't keep dramatic personal secrets, although we don't blab every detail to the world either. We don't live behind a facade of perfection. We are authentic with others and we expect authenticity in return. This is the way we've raised our kids. Some of these questions were difficult and they had concerns that some of their answers would result in people not liking them and you will see that hesitancy in the video, but greater than that concern was their genuine desire to help others through this process.
I couldn't be prouder of the girls. They have shown the depth of their compassion. They have exercised patience and that is not a trait they inherited from us. Even when they feared it might get them in trouble, they have been honest about their thoughts and feelings. They have grown as individuals and we have grown closer as a family.
To those with bio kids in this process, have appropriate expectations of your child's capabilities. If a kiddo is the baby of the family and they are going to be dethroned--it's going to hurt. If they are dramatic, they will be exponentially dramatic. If they are control freaks who take on too much, realize they are going to feel out of control and overwhelmed by the expectations they place on themselves.
My biggest encouragement to those adopting with bio kids is to talk to them about the process. Show them pictures of kids, adoptive families, pray for kids on the waiting list, show them pictures of an orphanage, talk about special needs, hang out with other adoptive families, keep them appropriately updated on what is happening. I know many adoptive families who have had very very difficult family experiences. They need to hear the good stories, but they need to hear the hard stories. They need to know about physical, emotional, and sexual abuse and inappropriate touching. They need to be aware that their new sibling may not understand those boundaries. They need to know what they should do in that situation. They need to hear that pets could be hurt, they need to know the vital importance of sharing their concerns with either you or your spouse. We do so much to shield our kids, but no one has shielded the child you are bringing home. Even in the best-case scenario, bringing that kiddo home is way harder than the process of waiting for the kiddo. If you spend all your time protecting your bio kids through the waiting process, the reality of a new sibling coming home is going to be so much more difficult!
I truly hope you enjoy this little video! I hope it gives you a little window into the good and some of the not-so-good. It's a glimpse into our girls' hearts. Always post if you have questions or we can help out. If I can't help you, I will try to connect you to someone who can--that's the blessing of being a part of a large adoption community!
Interview Questions
- How old was Bozi when he got here?
- How old were you when we started the process?
- What did you think about the wait?
- What were you most excited about? Did you think about what it would be like?
- Were you scared?
- What did you understand about adoption?
- What was it like seeing that very first picture of Bozi?
- What were the Skype calls like?
- How was the pick-up trip?
- What did you do while in Sofia?
- How was communicating with Bozi? How did you work on that?
- How were things different when we got home?
- Did you want to send him back? How is it now?
- How was it sharing mommy and daddy? How did you adjust to that?
- What behaviors did Bozi have?
- How are things different from the beginning to now? Is it still hard sometimes?
- Do you still want to send him back?
- When did he start feeling like your brother?
- Does he annoy you? Do you get along?
- Do you girls fight over who gets to love on him?
- What about the process would you change?
- What would you suggest to kids adopting a younger brother or sister?
- How did you get experience with a younger child?
- What was the hardest part of the process?
- What have you learned through the process?
- What do you say when someone asks if he is really your brother?
- What advice to you have to give to people adopting?
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