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| My baby got baptized! |
I went to my favorite Pilates class taught by my favorite teacher. After she tortures us, in a good way, she ends her class with a brief devotion. This one referred to a passage in Exodus and when we experience clouds in our life. I barely remember what was read but what I do remember is--I lost it. Yes, I'm the girl crying in Pilates class. Not just that, but I can't stop. The flood gates are open and there's no turning back. All I can think about is how quickly I can put up my mat, ball and stretchy thingy (yes, that IS my technical term) and get out of there. To top it off being the nerd that I have always been, I always sit in the front of the class. So, in Pilates that means I'm two feet away from my teacher. Also, in general I lack personal space.
Let me say, I just love this woman. I've always felt a connection with her. But other than being in her class for a couple of years, five-minute conversations here and there, and hugs (because who doesn't hug?) I'm not sure why. Maybe it's because we both are Christ-followers and/or because we both are pretty friendly. Now, not only am I the whiny baby in class, I'm also a creeper. Haha. Regardless, I was not successful at my escape and she stops me and cuts to the chase, "How's the adoption going?" That is what a friend and sister in Christ does... They don't let you get away. :)
Bleh. Up until that point I didn't even realize how on edge I'd been, on the inside, about our adoption. I'm so busy trying to be busy, trying to ignore the wait, comparing my experience to others, and in my spare time second-guessing every question I answered on our three-page super-detailed special needs form. What I'm NOT trying to do is trust that God's sovereign hand is on our future child. He is weaving our lives together as we speak. He is preparing our children for a new brother or sister who they THINK they are ready for. He is equipping us to parent a child who has experienced trauma and pain. He is not waiting, He is busy doing what we repeatedly ask of Him--preparing us and "our new kid" (as Chloe says).
Here is my biggest point. Just because we don't see movement, doesn't mean God's not moving. We need to trust Him--I need to trust Him. He is bigger than our adoption process. He is bigger than our adoption timeline. He is bigger than how quickly I fill out and return paperwork. He is bigger than whether or not I filled it out "correctly" so things move quicker. He is bigger than our financial report. I truly wish I did not repeatedly shrink God into such a small entity that I should be able to control and always understand. I am so thankful He doesn't always make sense to me. I want to serve and love a God who is way bigger than me.
I'm so thankful for God's adoption of us. The way He uses His people so take care of each other and give hugs. I'm thankful for friends who ask about our adoption when I'm doing fine and when I'm obviously not. This week I'm specifically thankful for hearing words I needed to hear exactly at a time I needed to hear them. I guarantee you this woman had no idea how the devotion she read and her simple question unlocked tons of thinking, personal reflection and once again, conviction. Maybe I should count how many posts I have about trusting God and giving up control. I'm pretty sure it's the theme of what God is attempting to teach me through this process.
Note to self, stop being a hard headed control-freak.
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