Maybe

I guess the past few weeks of information overload have been an attempt to make up for the past almost four years of waiting and no specific information at all. Nice, way to dump it all on us at once.

Here's what's going on.

First, we received the referral. We received one picture and medical info. They were concerned about the fact that he wasn't walking and talking yet, but he was 18 months old at the time of review and he lived in an orphanage so it wasn't a shock. They had concerns over hypermobile joints and potential delays. No biggie, just a few "what ifs."

A few days later we received a ton of updated pictures from an orphanage visit, videos and a great review. He was starting to stand on his on, walk a little with support and he even said a Bulgarian word during the videos. They were no longer really concerned about his joints and everything seemed to be moving along. Forget all potentially scary details.

This week I got a call from our agency telling me they needed to speak with me about an update on our child. I'm sorry but an "update" a week out from your trip only means one thing--bad news. I couldn't get ahold of the girl that called. So, for about an hour and a half--I was a wreck. Thank goodness for encouraging friends during that time that I happened to be with. Finally, Kevin talked with her and found out he had been in the hospital the past week for testing and received a new diagnosis of microcephaly. While many of the tests had came back normal, there were abnormalities on the MRI of his brain. I had a ton of questions.

I spoke with our amazing pediatrician from the International Adoption Clinic in Birmingham. Let me just take a moment to brag and say adoption people rock, whether they are receptionists, doctors, social workers, nurses, etc. This doctor was unable to call me before she left for the night so she calls from her home at 8:30 p.m. I could hear her dog in the background. Then she proceeds to spend an hour or more on the phone with me talking through these new issues. Not only that but she offered out her private number if I need to reach her.

Side note, I LOVE this clinic. I've spoken with two of the awesome doctors there since January but, I'm pretty sure my favorite person I speak with is the man that answers the phone. He is so nice, super confident and reassuring. Kev and I both agree that simply by hearing his voice, we KNOW he will communicate with the doctor as soon as possible and we feel more confident about what is happening. This time I called and asked to leave a message with him for the doctor. I got off the phone feeling totally empowered and all I was doing was waiting for a return call. Kev was laughing at me, because I was strutting around like I did something and had control of the situation. Ummm, I have no control over anything, that's what half this blog has been whining about. Point being, I call worried and stressed and get off the phone knowing he has my back and he is going to get me answers to my questions. Every office needs someone like this working for them. He. Is. Amazing.

Back to our boy, what we learned was that his head circumference is not in the ideal range for his size and his brain scan showed some abnormalities that lead them to believe he may have not had oxygen to his brain at some point. They ran a ton of tests on him and can't determine exactly why the MRI showed the abormalities. It could be due to the oxygen thing, maybe it's neglect-related or orphanage-related. He isn't growing up in an environment where they are able to work with him one-on-one regularly so that could affect him. Basically, it's a wait and see situation. Maybe he will have learning issues. Maybe he will require a lot of repetition. Maybe this is why it's taking longer to learn to walk and talk, maybe not. Maybe--lots of maybes.

Does this change anything for us? Not dramatically, due to this new diagnosis we have to update our homestudy and i-800, which is juuuuust awesome because I sent that sucker off two weeks ago. Our agency wants us to wait to make the update until after the visit which will be another two weeks. They said they will help us get it expedited so it doesn't slow us down which is encouraging. We don't have enough time to do any of it before we leave anyway. So, we will tackle that when we get back.

I spoke with an adoptive mommy friend who has been encouraging me through this process. Her son has a similar issue along with other issues. She said with confidence that after seeing her little boy, she knew he belonged in her family and his diagnoses didn't matter. Sadly, that made me nervous because I started comparing our situations. When I saw this little boy for the first time. I felt like he was ours, I loved him but, I didn't know him. I'm just not a love at first sight/miracle of life person. I remember the first time I saw my two bio daughters after birth, I loved them, they were mine, but I didn't feel like I knew them. It's scary to trust those immediate feelings. When you give birth to a child, you don't have an option, they are going home with you. For as much as I like control, I don't like being in control of this decision. I don't like that it's up to me. It's scary to choose.

Beach, donuts and snowcone day!

Later I spoke with another adoptive mommy friend and she said something I had said for a long time, but has gotten buried in my head with all this other mess, fear, worry and info. I was talking about being scared to choose. She said she didn't give herself a choice. She saw the placement as God's choice for her. That reminded me of what we have felt all along and that dissipated some of my worry. But, God has taken us one direction in life, just to turn us around and send us another way. I think that's why I am anxious to get to Bulgaria and meet this little boy. I'm praying for clarity from God, strength, and confidence in knowing what God says for us to do. No two adoptions are the same and neither are people-- you can't compare. Our desire is to be obedient to God's instructions, no matter what. Let's just hope He talks really loud this time!

Please pray for us. Pray for our boy and all the maybes. Pray for our girls, they are having a hard time with the idea of us being gone for two weeks. I'm so glad we had a fun and relaxing weekend with them. Pray for my awesome parents, who are on full-time Gammi and Poppy duty for the next couple of weeks while we are gone.

OK. Cute little boy clothes? Check! Playdough, duplos, bubbles, balloons, sidewalk chalk, cars, a recordable storybook, soft photo album and even a snuggly with his nickname on it? Check, check, check...check, check...check, check, check and CHECK! We are about as ready as we can be.

We are waiting.