One year with Bozi.

One year.

I remember the first time I pulled his small unsupported body in my lap. I was so scared... I thought I might break him. I was afraid he would scream and reject me. I had no idea what to expect. He was kind of like a rag doll. He didn't have much control of his body. He could only straighten his back for a few seconds and then he would slump back down. His sad dark eyes had a way of capturing me.

We left our first visit last May broken. I remember putting him in the car and his excitement over the car ride, then his face switched to confusion when I did not get in the car beside him. His confused stare through the closed car window pierced my heart, he looked at me as if I had just rejected him. I had no choice, except to let him go. We smiled and waved just like our agency told us to. Our hearts began to hurt in a way that wouldn't stop until he was with us again and tears were trying to escape, finally they were out of sight. They drove away from the hospital taking our little boy with them back to the orphanage. The people he spent a week with, playing with and being loved on were gone. He was our son, but we would be waiting another 4-6 months before we could come back to get him. Until then, we didn't have a hands-on way to protect him, provide for him, love him. We couldn't show him he was accepted, valued or that he belonged. That first trip to Bulgaria took everything out of us emotionally.

On our pick up trip at the orphanage. He kept touching us.

Fast forward four months and our weekly Skype calls--we were back. We even had the girls with us. They had a brother and they were pumped. We were going to bust him out of that orphanage and bring him home. He was ours. It was going to be GREAT, maybe I should have changed that to it was going to be challenging--for all of us. It has been one year since Bozi's Gotcha Day, Family Day, Adoption Day... Whatever you decide to call it. The name doesn't truly matter. It doesn't change the difficulty of the day. It is a beautifully traumatic day. It always will be. It's the day Bozi physically left behind his past and joined our family. It's the day he left potentially happy memories of friends and caregivers behind. It's also the day he walked away from the sad and harmful experiences of pain, neglect and abuse. He left a biological family he may never know and that breaks my heart for the mommy out there who doesn't know what happened to her squishy-faced little boy.

Bozi didn't leave that orphanage with any toys or clothes, except what we brought him. Yes, he physically left that orphanage, but his history and experiences came with him. They are imprinted on his sweet mind and precious little body. The effects of those early days will continue. The ladies and little friends in Bulgaria were all Bozi knew his entire life. He left the room he shared with the other children, his friends, familiar smells, familiar sounds and familiar food. He left a system he knew, a crib that he knew to stay in... All day. That learned expectation came home with him and was probably the reason it took 9 months for the kiddo to ever leave his bed voluntarily in the morning or call for us to come get him when he was done with his nap. If it weren't for a video monitor and regularly checking it we would have never known he was awake. He learned to comfort himself, which is why it took so long for him to allow us to comfort him. For better or worse, he left the only routine he knew and understood.

We brought home a shell of a little boy. When he first got to our house he cried whenever we entered a new room. He clung to me 110% of the time, not just the 85% he does now. He was kind of like a caged animal, fearful and fighting to survive. He looked nervous, scared, and a little sad most of the time. Now, his face has changed, his attitude has changed. He's becoming comfortable in his own skin. It's noticeable. Most people who see Bozi these days wouldn't recognize him as the little boy we first brought home.

First time using a straw, 4 months home.

The little boy we brought home didn't say more than four words in Bulgarian. Now, the kid TALKS and it's a good thing because it's hard to get a word in around our house! After three months home, his vocabulary exploded. In the spring he was telling us "stories" with mostly babbling, hand gestures and a few real words thrown in. Now he is saying real sentences most times and communicating more easily. He loves to recap events and make sure we are clear on what happened. Granted, his stories become more like fish tales with the events becoming more dramatic as he continues to tell them. He props his arm up on the edge of a chair, leans back, crosses his legs and settles in to tell a good story.

In the baby orphanage, all the children are fed purees. The orphanage housed children who were up to four years old and special needs children up to age seven. They all were fed purees. Bozi came home not knowing how to chew or clear his palate. He only knew how how to drink out of an open cup, but not how to use a straw! Before age two, he knew how to use a spoon and fork perfectly and wipe his mouth with his napkin. Fortunately, we don't overly stress when he eats anymore. He doesn't choke like he used to and we don't have to cut up or mush his food as we did before.

Bozi couldn't walk without assistance when we picked him up. He started walking independently about a week after we got home. It was October already. After getting his SMOs (orthotics) in April, he started running. Due to his low muscle tone, he will always have to work a little harder and have less endurance than other kids. But, this kid is finally starting to jump, he is starting to take a couple steps on the stairs without holding on to the railing, he is making progress. We hope to continue his physical therapy in an effort to continue to help him catch up and strengthen his muscles.

The blur is from my baby rocking side to side-3 months home.

Bozi came home knowing how to comfort himself. He developed self-soothing behaviors in the orphanage which are very common when children are left alone and without stimulation or interaction. Bozi sucked his finger when he came home. He sucked his finger all the time, to the point his front teeth are shifted to the side. Fortunately, that behavior has decreased and he is only sucking his fingers when he sleeps. Bozi rocks himself. This is typical behavior in an orphanage. Children are not rocked so they learn to rock themselves. When he first came home he rocked all the time. He rocked when he was scared, nervous, and even when he was bored. I remember cooking dinner in those first months or so, Bozi would go sit down in the kitchen near me, stick his finger in his mouth and rock side to side. His head rolling back and forth and the swishing sound it would make. He just didn't know what else to do. He still rocks himself to sleep. It is so ingrained in his behavior. At night he pushes me away so he can rock himself rather than having his back rubbed while I sing to him.

Love-2 months home.

Bozi loves his sisters and his daddy. Loving his sisters came quicker than the latter. He started out smacking, hitting, screaming and kicking at them. He pushed them out of my lap and cried endlessly if I held them. Fortunately, they were more than persistent. He did not have a choice, he was going to love being smothered with love and affection or he was going to hate being smothered with love and affection. He chose wisely. :) Loving Daddy took a little more time. He was the biggest threat in Bozi's mind. Accepting him meant accepting the fact Daddy took some of Mommy's attention off of Bozi. Sometimes we have amazing breakthroughs like the other day. Kev took the kiddos home in the car from school and I was going to someone's house in our other car. When I walked away from the car, Bozi looked out the window and said, "Bye, Mommy!" No tears, just smiles. I literally never thought that day would come.

I'm usually pretty aware of Bozi's neglect, but sometimes I forget simple little things that Bozi has probably never experienced. Bozi is obsessed with the moon. He loves to look at it. He finds it in the afternoon when it first shows up and then repeatedly points it out at nighttime. I've never thought about the fact he couldn't see out a window and was never outside. I never considered the fact that he probably never had his back scratched. Bozi usually tries to scratch his own back and most times he is successful. Just the other day I noticed he couldn't reach where he was scratching. I lifted his shirt and scratched his back for him. He looked at me in wonder and amazement. You would have thought I had sat a large birthday cake bigger than his head in front of him. It is such a small thing.

Bozi's birthday-8 months home.

I know we've got a pretty Instagram-worthy kid running around, but don't let those big brown eyes and crooked cute smile fool you. Bozi's not fixed. Love, home and a family can change a child's present and future, but don't undo the damage from neglect and abuse. Neglect and abuse rewire a child's brain. There are days he is that caged animal again, fearful and crying all day. I put in him down--he cries. I pick him up--he cries. Either way, it's fairly exhausting. Naptime is my favorite time those days, mainly because I get to breathe. He still hits at his sisters and us. I picked him up from preschool and he hit my car repeatedly. He's still insecure and angry. He still is scared most times when I leave him with Kev and the girls. He still doesn't trust I will come back. When I do come home he lights up like a kid on Christmas morning shocked and surprised by the gifts Santa left behind and it makes me a little sad. I don't want him to be shocked I came back. I long for the day I come home from the grocery store and he looks up from what he is doing and says, "Hi, Mommy!" and then gets back to his toys.

Having Bozi has grown our family in countless ways. It's been difficult on the girls, but they are more compassionate because of it. They felt the fullness of this change and loss, especially in the beginning when he was a permanent appendage of mine 24/7. It has challenged our marriage. At the same time, it has made us stronger. Bozi has taught us to be less selfish. He has showed us all the importance of sacrificing for others. He has created a desire in the girls' hearts to adopt more children, something I prayed for but never expected to come this fast. We have all had to learn to share. We have had to share each other to help a broken little boy adjust to new people, new things, a new home and a new family. Bozi has showed us the need to be more intentional with our relationships, communication and time. He has taught us that time with each other is valuable. We missed his first two-plus years of his life. We can't get those back. We don't have the memories to tell him what happened or what he saw. We treasure each moment moving forward with each other.

This has been a crazy first year. As a family, we've seen impoverished places, children who are forgotten, left behind and hidden away in another country. We've had our home survive a hurricane untouched when most neighborhoods around us were in need of major rebuilding and repair. We've driven past people's cabinets, appliances and belongings thrown out beside the road waiting for weeks and months for trash pick-up, some piles taller than two people. We've watched our friends and neighbors rebuild their homes and their lives. We lost a job, friends and moved at a time when our family most needed stability. We've changed cities, jobs, school, and church. It has been less than ideal as far as our timing, but it has been God's timing. I have learned over and over God's timing is never our timing, His ways are rarely our ways. The most important thing Bozi has shown us is how deeply God loves us exactly where we are, in spite of our troubles, flaws and our dramatic attempts to wrestle with Him in fear over changes that are best for us.

It's only been a year and we still remember what life was like before we had Bozi, but as my girls accurately say, "We needed a Bozi."

Preschool - 11.5 months home.